解読不能、その２。

まだ立ち直れないというか、一時的なショックの後遺症が強いんだと思う。いつもの分裂病的妄想と恐怖と不安が頭を駆け巡っていて完全にダメになってます。で、その理由がリア二千というよりかはルームメイトにあったのだと分析できたので逆に驚きでした。それにしても今回みたいにいちいち人のリアクションに反応してたんじゃ脳がいくつあっても足りませんよ。ブレインダメージですね。マインドブラストされた感じだよ。早く立ち直らなきゃなぁー・・・。最終試験とか色々あるからね。マジで。

I understand the realization which has tendencies of tautological density as I have seen, in a real sense of self defense, some unrepeatable extreme separation occurs in my mind. It is obviously an organized structural series of provisional notion. However the dimension which dominates structure as secondary　supplemental thought is annihilated by phenomenological description. I can easily to assume that this dimension itself arise which didn’t exist before and which progressive obscuration of circulated meaning. Some remarkable point of my depression is perhaps insoluble, but it is the sense of emancipation which I will achieve as sublime object. This solution determines the effect of designation and to saying into represented identical embryo which means that the birth of communication with me is the reflection of being itself for my memory and juxtaposed profound connection of formation without world as existence of boundary. However, my identical sublime object is suppressed by instinctive relation of external things as complete description of the transcendental constructive stability. This unwanted relationship would appear in itself only as a total renunciation. The eternity which I’m always looking for is not the limitation of the reflective movement and my commitment never revolted from a thousand empty indications. In the reality of elemental consciousness as isolated subjective permanent possibility, it needs original constitutive reflectional understanding which should be done by the foundation of preceding positive mental epistemological situation and the understanding of non-egocentric unwanted privileged selfish paradigm. Actually mode of reflection itself or the foundation of reliable knowledge can be simultaneously preceding more abstract feeling of anxiety and despair of marginal confidence. My meticulous schizophrenic notion of anxiety and despair are an individual apparent paradigm that went mind in mind with duality to which my dangerous distractive movement of thoughts drives recklessly without control. I can justify this movement as largely individual freedom as movement of mental activity, but smokescreen intention as it is of multi generated massive indivisible cosmos in this are could only ever be established around complex thoughts that which governed by the foundation of my virtue as self-government, except the process of poor functioning selfishness that emerged between reason and feeling. A psychological exemplification of the actual connection with the immediate privileged moment of internal negation has the possibility of understandable object by formulation of fundamental relation between notion and objective attitude which is toward the self-centered subjective conjugation. In this case, any rationality will be exempted and incapacitated. Signifier of the individualized concrete pole in its plentitude and the role of the functioning stability in person rather than emptiness in itself will be detected and it loses any meaning of empirical thoughts. My main stand point of determination is presence to internal absence but constitutive factor of the object as primary relationship between tendencies of totality and my being as meaningless object never be compromised and also same subject as pantheistic particular quality either, nevertheless other existence as others are wholly ideal by commitment of themselves and they usually modify their synthetic act which means that their ground of a presence to single upsurge has tendency of unachieved causes and vulgar expressions. This fact is strongly toward in my individual territory as mental sector of systematic radical generative notion as my identical alter. The situation arises in an internal relation of multiplicity as that which there is human reality as totality. It appears outside of discontinuous elements such as imperfect felsitic great masses but unstable limitation will be suddenly emerged by collection of withdrawal subtractive structure. Therefore absence itself never fulfilled by cheap imitation of spiritual matters and for itself has some attitude of revealed simultaneously synthetic undifferentiating of the permanent thing. Finally identity as whole is pure external mutual connectivity. Moreover capability of disintegration in so far as this is only apprehended as a relation by the situation of each moment even though I can clearly dealing with anti humanistic members on the outside of my subjective inapprehensible indifference which is belonging to the universe. I strongly realized that I will never able to being capable in the being as universal thing which schizophrenically dealing with simple engagement of useless circulated ordinary components in my everyday life.

それにしても精神病と人格障害の差とかも本当に分からないよね。まぁなんとかやっていけるだけありがたいと思わないとダメかもしれない。それにしても安定剤飲みすぎると耐性つくから気をつけないとな・・・。で、精神病ですとか人格障害ですって言われたところで、まぁ前にも書いたようにどうにもならないんだよね。自己満足的な納得しか得られない。やっぱ精神的には普通のほうがいいよ。マジで。脳波とかも正常に超したことはない。はぁー辛いなぁ・・・これって原因がどうっていうことよりかは、何かにトリガーされて調子悪くなるっていう今の状態が辛いんだよね。それを回避しようと思ったら社会から隔離されないといけないわけで、俺の存在って根本的に矛盾してるんだよね。情けなさ過ぎる。

Howard Zinn: You Can't Be Neutral on a Moving [DVD] [Import]